I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
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I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
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We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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