woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.