Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
