The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I would ride that face into the sunset
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
