I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
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