i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
