So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
