I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
