The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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