I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
