Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
