grandma shit on top of the toilet
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
