I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
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