I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm like, not good at living.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
