yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
