our cab driver is having phone sex.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
