The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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