I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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