dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
