I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Randomize
