My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
