i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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