Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
His hands were made for my vagina.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
