If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
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