If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
She announced her abortion via fbk
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
