I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
23 People Confess The Trashiest Thing They’ve Seen In Person
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
19 Transgender People Reveal The First Sign That They Were Trans
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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