fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
10+ Incredible Tumblr Stories That Will Leave You Shook
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.