if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
These 21 People Are Related To Famous Celebrities
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes