I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
