Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
