I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
