if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
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This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
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Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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