Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
