I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize