even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
