Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
