the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
