They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
