My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
