i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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