my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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