You don't have asthma, your pregnant
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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