omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
