So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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