My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
