Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
