After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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