20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
