my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
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