She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
