i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
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