I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
