all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
The uberlube is also flammable
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize