nut hugger
just tell him i said nine months
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
