Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
