The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
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