Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Sext me about skeletons
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
