does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
