I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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