I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I looked at my own cervix.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
